Dawge's Guide #8! Dawge's Guide to Owning A Multi-Million Dollar Industry! (86)

As I'm sure you all know by now, Dawge is the CEO of Walmart, a company that sells pretty much anything you could ever want! So today, Dawge would like to show you how you can start and own the next big company!

1. Start a store.

2. Sell something. This can literally be anything.

3. Stop getting business because you decided to sell the letter C.

4. Close your store.

5. Give up on your dream on becoming the next Walmart; it's not happening.

6a. Write an application for a job as the clown-chorister for the Weeble-Wooblian Squirrel Choir (they really need one).

6b. Send your application via the NEWWPS (Non-Existent Weeble-Wooble Postal Service).

7. Never get a response from the Squirrel Choir because: 
a) You're not "clowny" enough.
b) You're too "clowny".
c) You forgot to follow step 6b.
d) Squirrels can't write or send letters for religious reasons.
e) The NEWWPS doesn't actually exist, hence the name.

8. Um... get into high finance?

9. Ignore step 8 and just get a job at Walmart.

10. Forget you ever wanted to start your own store, because the thought will spiritually haunt you for the rest of your dog's life.

Dawge's Guide #7! Dawge's Guide to Making Szelctor! (82)

Szelctor is a color that is exclusive to Weeble-Wooble. The only way to see it is to visit Weeble-Wooble. Szelctor is nothing like any other color. This is Dawge's guide to making it from natural Weeble-Wooblian materials:

Step 1: Get Goat to pay me back that 🐟1 Unvigintioctigentillion that he still owes me for that shaving cream made out of Superexpensivium.
Step 2: Petsit my pet mutant bison for the next couple dozen millennia.
Step 3: Finish my biosphere.
Step 4: Cram for the exam on lemons I have coming up and take it for me.
Step 5: Dig up that dinosaur skeleton I found awhile back but was too lazy to unearth myself.
Step 6: Fix my bed frame.
Step 7: Disguise yourself as me and go to the upcoming Annual Weeble-Wooble Handstanding Contest as me.
Step 8: Vow to never remove the disguise. Ever.
Step 9: Visit the Time-Space Law Enforcement HQ and bribe them with sausages and bananas so they'll leave me alone for a few more months.
Step 10: Spy on Qaat for a couple days and report back to me.
Step 11: Sign a contract that gives you the honor of doing everything I ask of you for the next four eternities.

Dawge's Guide #6! Dawge's Guide to Explaining Rambutan! (81)

Dawge's Guide to Explaining Rambutans:

1. Listen to The Abnormal Fruit Podcast and take extensive notes. THERE WILL BE A TEST!!

2. Cook 9∞ servings of Rambutan curry then donate them to The Needy Tissue Box Charity.

3. Léiert russesch fléissend a schreift duerno e ganze Koup vun eis Aubergien op Franséisch!

4. Translate step 3 then ignore it completely

5. Watch The Rambutan Mini-Series, a documentary by Anteater J. Pook (Aardvark Q. Pook's -73 year older brother)

6. Follow this blog and share it with your friends!

7. Hire the Weeble-Wooblian Squirrel Choir to sing at your EleMidHighLege graduation.

8. Take "The Rambutan Quiz!™".

9. Say "A rambutan is a red, plum-sized tropical fruit with soft spines and a slightly acidic taste".

The End

Dawge's Guide #5! Dawge's Guide To Driving (80)

Dawge's Guide To Driving:

1: Keep your hands at 7 and 10:38.
2: Put your gear shift into 'R' for 'Rev it up!'
3a: Check if your radio works. (No radio, no driving)
3b: If your radio doesn't work, use a squirrel choir.
4: Keep your rubber chicken tuned.
5: Mow the grass that is growing around your car.
6: Be a leaf.
7: Be nice to your car.
8: Entertain your car. (I'm A Little Teapot always works)
9: Play Paul with your car.
10: Read 1 Way to Drive a Car By Aardvark Q Pook.

If you followed all of these instructions, you'll be lucky enough to make it out of the driveway. 

The End

Dawge's Guide #4! Dawge's Guide to Fixing Doorbells! (74)

Dawge's Guide to Fixing Doorbells:
Step 0a: Ring the doorbell.
Step 0b: No need fixing something that isn't broken.
Step 1: Get nyanned.
Step 2: Learn you just got nyanned, a kind of rickroll-type internet prank that instead uses Nyan Cat.
Step 3: Clone a sheep.
Step 4a: Learn how to play FIGHTERS & FAIRIES!™.
Step 4b: Win the title of best FIGHTERS & FAIRIES!™ player in Weeble-Wooble.
Step 5a: Turn yourself into a fish.
Step 5b: Play Paul for the rest of the month.
Step 6: Put bread into the toaster that the broken doorbell is on.
Step 7: Put toast into The Great Breader.
Step 9: Practice jumping until you can jump to the moon.
Step 15z: Replace the doorbell on the toaster.
Step 15y: Go to Step 0.

And that is how you fix doorbells.

Dawge's Guide #3! Dawge's Guide to Drawing! (73)

Dawge's guide to drawing:

1: Get animals.

2: Get crops.

3: Sing in the shower without water.

4: Do a celebratory dance.

5: Throw a celebratory squirrel party.

6: Go fishing. 

7: Forget what you're doing and try to remember.

8: Finally remember what you were doing after an hour.

9: Ask Bob how to cross your legs.

10: Play Paul.

11: Churn butter.

12: Give up on farming and never speak of it ever again.

The End

Dawge #43! Dawge's Guide To Not Fishing! (49)

Dawge's Guide To Not Fishing:
Step 1: Don't go to the local Mart-Mart and buy a fishing pole.
Step 2: Don't also buy a whole bunch of fishing lures and bait.
Step 3: Don't get yourself a cool fishing outfit like this:

Step 4: Don't get an awesome-looking fishing boat.

Step 5: Don't gather together all of your friends, give them fishing poles and      outfits, and bring them fishing with you.

Step 6: Don't take a cool, long car trip to get to a really big lake.

Step 7: Don't stop at the big lake and gawk at the beauty of it.

Step 8: Don't get in the boat and out onto the lake.

Step 9: DON'T GO FISHING

And that is how you not fish.

Dawge #38! Dawge's Guide To Boat-Making! (43)

Dear Readers, I was able to escape the Time-Space Law Enforcement much quicker that I thought. From now on I will post on every Tuesday that I can.

Dawge's Guide to Boat-Making:

Step 1: Prepare five servings of latkes.

Step 2: Convince a choir of squirrels to sing "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson.

Step 3: Feed the latkes to the squirrel choir.

Step 4: Play checkers for fifteen minutes.

Step 5: Have a diving contest against the squirrels.

Step 6: Help an old man cross a street that you made with the squirrels.

Step 7: Register yourself as Pro-Squirrel.

Step 8: Vote for Chubby McBushytail in every election. 
Step 9: Join the protest for squirrel rights.
Step 10: Become a squirrel using the wonders of technology.

And last but not least;

Step 13: Buy a speed boat.