Goat [insert action] #2! Some Actual Goats! (91)

Goat the snake was discussing perfectly normal and completely legal legitimate business with a bottle of root beer, when a yellow sheet of paper flew majestically through the air, doing loop-de-loops and all sorts of tricks before landing gracefully inside Goat's pancreas. After several hours of life-threatening surgery to remove the paper, Goat read it and discovered it was a coupon for 100% off any purchase at a Goat spa! Although he was a snake, his name was Goat and he loved spas, so he decided to give it a go.

When Goat made it to the spa, he noticed it was different from others... It had a tennis court! He made it inside and asked the sausage at the counter for a full-experience goat's day. The sausage agreed without a second thought, since sausages don't have brains. The sausage took Goat to a changing room for him to put on a tiny, comfy little robe.

Once Goat managed to fit his non-existent legs through the four leg holes in the robe, he dove into a pit of pudding with a fiery passion! And then laid on his back peacefully while multicolored badgers somehow managed to give him a manicure. After about 74.23 minutes of relaxation, Goat looked up to see the entire spa full of goats! He jumped out of the pudding pit to investigate.

Goat strode through the halls looking at the name tags on the robes all the goats were wearing. He saw three goats named Hans, two named Karl, and several dozen named Friedrich. Then, he realized his mistake: this wasn't a Goat spa with a capital G, it was a German spa with a capital G! And another mystery is solved, thanks to the genius-mastermind-ninja-alpha-geek-wizard that is Goat!

Super Dawg #7! Party Bus in Paris! (90)

Our favorite toaster-suit wearing, crime-fighting catfish, Super Dawg was patrolling the streets of Paris as he always does. He'd had a wonderful evening of enchantment, magic, and flaming baby cannons. 

He was about to head over to Zac Efron's house for a good old game of hopscotch, when he saw Madagascar over the horizon! We all know that Madagascar and France is not a good mix, so Super Dawg went over to shoo the island away gently. But when he got there, it wasn't Madagascar after all! It was actually a party bus! 

Before Super Dawg could do anything, the gorillas from the bus had tied him up, stuffed him in a jar of pickles, and locked him in a literal cage of resentment. He tried to escape, but gorillas are the best knot-tiers in the world! If there were gorillas around when Houdini was alive, he would have never stood a chance.

The more Super Dawg struggled, the flimsier the ropes became. He struggled and struggled and struggled some more, until the ropes finally lept off of him like really noodley ballerinas! The moment he was free, some ducks came at him with everything they had, and boy were they steamed. They were the masterminds of this operation, after all.

Thankfully, ducks are no match for the duck food-flinging prowess of Super Dawg! After the ducks had failed, it looked like everything was safe, but then came the actual Madagascar! It picked up on of the many ocean liners lying around and tickled all the remaining animals in Paris with it. 

Super Dawg stood up and dusted himself off. He saluted Madagascar for its bravery and Madagascar saluted back. The island then sunk back into the ocean and back to where it belonged: Kansas.

And, again, the day was saved by Madagascar!

The End

Dragon, Monster Hunter #3! Lucy Goes Missing! (89)

Dragon was strolling through the bagpipe ranch when he saw Bob counting his bagpipes.

"Hi, Bob!" Dragon said cheerfully. He reached out his hand for Bob to shake it.

"No!" Bob shouted.

"Well, I know my hands aren't the cleanest, but-" Dragon started.

"No!" Bob said. "Not that! Look!" He pointed to his bagpipe pen. It was full of gloop, rainbows, and half the bagpipes were cardboard cutouts!

Dragon gasped. "Bob..." He started. "Nothing changed."

"Sorry. The OTHER pen." He pointed to the pen that was titled: The OTHER pen.

One of the bagpipes was missing!

"Dragon! A monster took one of my precious babies! LUCY!!"

A monster, eh? Thought Dragon, It's about time. "Don't worry, Bob! I will save your bagpipe." 

"Thank you, Dragon! The monster went that a-way!" Bob stretched out his hand and pointed to the left, then straight, and then another left, then a loop-de-loop, then purple, then right, then corkscrew, then upside down backwards, then invisible, then into a large building.

And with that, Dragon was off! 

He turned left, then straight, then left, then a loop-de-loop, then purple, then right, then corkscrew, then upside down backwards, then invisible, then into a large building.

There he saw the Kraken sitting on a throne made out of lies and jello in the shape of Canada. And it looked like he was holding Lucy!

All right, Kraken. Dragon thought. It's go time. 

Dragon ran up to it, and challenged the Kraken to the famous Weeble-Wooblian sport: Kickball-unicycle-hockey: 1958 Rubber Duck Edition.

The Kraken accepted. This guy is so going down. Dragon thought.

After Dragon's defeat, the Kraken started playing Take On Me by A-ha on the clarinet. And he handed the bagpipe to Dragon.

Dragon took the bagpipe back to Bob.

"Uh...Lucy is The Kraken." Bob said.

Dragon face-palmed.

The End

Jim and The Buffalo #4! (88)

We join Jim the sentient lamp and Bub the buffalo as Jim is being taken by a giant intergalactic lemon-monster.

As Bub watched the monster grab his friend, he hit the button marked Super awesome mega weapon button! A giant bazooka came out of the ship. With it pointed right at the lemon-monster, Bub shot it.

Jim looked in disbelief at the bazooka. He was going to scream with surprise, but it was too late. The bubbles flew straight out of the bazooka right into the lemon-monster. 

The creature stumbled backwards, fell, and dropped Jim. Bub grabbed his pool skimmer and reached out for Jim, but it wasn't long enough.

"Hey!" A voice called, "Need some help?"

Bub turned and nodded. 

"Okay! Just hold on!" The voice calling was a Buh.

The Buh reached for Jim, but a giant gust of wind came and blew it away.

"Tell my story!" The Buh called as its voice grew fainter and fainter.

Bub started growing frantic. 

Just then, a gigantic chicken walked by, picked up Jim, dropped him in Bub's ship, and walked away.

Bub and Jim just looked at each other, hugged, then flew back to Weeble-Wooble.

The End

Dawge #64! TV (87)

Today was a nice, weird day. The bees were screaming, the birds were yodeling, the horse heads were on their motorcycles, and Dawge was ready to watch some TV!

Now, you've got to understand that Dawge wants to save his money; that means he doesn't have NetFlop, Hooplu, Amazon, or YoToby. So he has cable, or as it's called in Weeble-Wooble, John. 

"Well," said Dawge. "Time to watch some John!"

Dawge grabbed a pigeon from outside, cradled it carefully, then threw it at the TV to turn it on. Once the TV was on, the pigeon left gracefully.

Dawge grabbed the remote and started going through channels.

Obey the Lizard Overlords or Else! Dawge loved that one. But he saw it last night, so he went to a different channel. Life as a Burger! Dawge heard that his favorite actor, Kevin Bacon (you know, the hard boiled egg), was in that classic! But, then again, he was going to watch that tonight with Fly, and didn't want to accidentally spoil the end.

Next channel! No way! Dawge's absolute FAVORITE movie! Flying with Poodles! But Dawge knew that one was illegal. 

At this point, Dawge was going to give up. But then, as he went to a new channel, he saw the well-made, action packed movie, Manta-ray with Martial Arts! 

Dawge looked at the screen, eyes wide with excitement. He grabbed the remote, turned the volume up, and then he turned the TV off. He hates Manta-ray with Martial Arts.

The End

Dawge's Guide #8! Dawge's Guide to Owning A Multi-Million Dollar Industry! (86)

As I'm sure you all know by now, Dawge is the CEO of Walmart, a company that sells pretty much anything you could ever want! So today, Dawge would like to show you how you can start and own the next big company!

1. Start a store.

2. Sell something. This can literally be anything.

3. Stop getting business because you decided to sell the letter C.

4. Close your store.

5. Give up on your dream on becoming the next Walmart; it's not happening.

6a. Write an application for a job as the clown-chorister for the Weeble-Wooblian Squirrel Choir (they really need one).

6b. Send your application via the NEWWPS (Non-Existent Weeble-Wooble Postal Service).

7. Never get a response from the Squirrel Choir because: 
a) You're not "clowny" enough.
b) You're too "clowny".
c) You forgot to follow step 6b.
d) Squirrels can't write or send letters for religious reasons.
e) The NEWWPS doesn't actually exist, hence the name.

8. Um... get into high finance?

9. Ignore step 8 and just get a job at Walmart.

10. Forget you ever wanted to start your own store, because the thought will spiritually haunt you for the rest of your dog's life.

Poetry with Qaat #1! If You See a Hamster (85)

If you see a hamster gnawing sadly on a tree,
Make sure to never touch it, for it's poison, you can see.

If you wish to live, a smart suggestion you should take
is run away so very far away without a single break.

When the hamster starts to scream and calls you nasty names
Feel free to turn around and shout things equally profane.

Soon enough the cops will come around and take you both away
for screaming quite annoyingly. There's only you to blame.

And so because you chose to walk through risky hamster lands,
you're locked inside a jail ya doy, with shackles on your hands.

And now my warning's over with, I hope you will beware
of poison hamsters near and far, they're lurking everywhere.

Dawge #63! Bernard and The Magical Train of Fantasticalness! Part 1 (84)