Dawge #63! Bernard and The Magical Train of Fantasticalness! Part 1 (84)

Bernard, after being transformed into a hat, had started a one man punk-rock band called "Give Me Money". He'd been doing pretty well, but needed a break. He was strolling in the park one day, in the very merry month of September! He was taken by surprise when a pair of horse-headed guys shoved him into a sack and threw him into a shady black van.
        Bernard was honestly not very surprised by this; he got kidnapped at least three times a day, but it was normally his thousands of a adoring fans that rushed him after an amazing "Give Me Money" performance. However, the horse-headed men were new as far as he could tell.
        The days went by backwards. Which was a new experience for him, having never time-traveled in a shady van before. The horse-headed men were irritatingly talkative. They kept going on and on about how they wanted to "take over the world" and "all humanity will be their slave". Bernard started ignoring them several seconds before they started speaking.
        When the van finally stopped, Bernard had somehow been loaded into a cannon while he wasn't looking. The cannon fired and he flew like an ungraceful potato! He eventually landed in what appeared to be a large train that smelled like childhood innocence, board games, and hot sauce. You know, the normal train smells.
        Bernard exploded out of the sack and looked up to see a raccoon wearing a straw hat and socks.
        "Greetings, traveler!" The raccoon shouted excitedly with a fancy British accent. "Welcome to the Magical Train of Fantasticalness! To make it to the caboose of this train and obtain the untold treasure-riches, you must make your way through the functionally infinite amount of cars, fighting monsters and solving puzzles on your way! Do you accept?"
        Bernard was very interested in the proposition and gladly accepted. He jumped straight through the apparently intangible raccoon, and began the adventure of a lifetime.