Dawge #68! The Glüps! (96)

Dawge was going on his mid-mid morning stroll through where the skeins of yarn grow, when he saw a giraffe. Of course, Dawge stopped and sat right in front of it because Dawge is a law abiding citizen now.

After exactly 2.3 seconds, Dawge got up, fed it a pickled pickle, and continued walking.

"Ahh," Dawge sighed, "What a great day. And just like Aardvark Q. Pook once wrote, 'The better your day gets, the older lemons will get.'"

Dawge soon saw a small gathering of trees, and peeked inside. Dawge was flabbergasted.

Inside, there was a village of Glüps*! Due to the green and blue buttons laying around, he could guess that it was Vote For Me Day!

Dawge, knowing how dangerous these creatures can be, stepped in cautiously.

One of the Glüps notices him coming in, and thought he was running for King**. 

The little Glüp ran up to his friend and shouted excitedly, "Glüp glüp!" 

"Glüp?! Glüp. Glüp glüp. GLÜP GLÜP GLÜP GLÜP GLÜP!!" His friend replied.

"Glüp glüp glüp," said the little Glüp to his other Glüp friend, "Glüp glüp glüp glüp glüp glüp glüp!"

Dawge could understand what they were saying, due to his Glüp translator. The conversation went like this:

"Hey, hey!"

"Huh?! Oh, it's you. DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!"

"No no no, you don't understand. I met one of the candidates!"

Dawge was then thrown up onto the tree trunk, where they would smack their buttons, and vote.

Dawge was nervous. Being the Glüps' King was a big responsibility. But he was willing to do it. 

He was up there with another Glüp running for Queen.

After 30 minutes, they finally figured out how buttons work. And that Dawge wasn't a Glüp, too.

"GLLLLÜÜÜÜÜP!!!" Shouted one of the Glüps.

It was a word Dawge never wanted to hear. "WAAAARRRRRR!!!"

All of a sudden, Dawge was swarmed by Glüps. All of them were bumping into him and making the noise of a squeaky toy.

If Dawge didn't run, he would've been...I don't know but probably something bad!

Luckily, Dawge got away from them and threw a giant mushroom behind him to keep them there forever. Unless they ask nicely.

The End 

*Glüps are creatures that have the nose of a turtle, derpy eyes, and a squiggle smile. They also float about one foot off the ground.

**Glüps live in a monarchy, but vote like it's a democracy. Who ever wins gets tiny sparkly wings that do absolutely nothing, but they look pretty (kinda)!

Super Dawg #8! Dr. Kaat Kidnaps Spork! (95)

Dawge and Spork were having a very insightful conversation on a beautiful Satuesday morning.
    "But is pudding really edibl-"
    Suddenly, Dr. Kaat appeared! "Hello, Dawge. Hello, Spork. Bad-bye, Dawge. Come with me, Spork." Dr. Kaat grabbed Spork's tail and flew away on his evil rocket-powered hover-blimp.
    "Spork! No!" Dawge called, "I'll get someone to save you!"
    Dawge ran home and danced Gangnam Style for 9.26 seconds to turn the toaster on his back into a suit of armor. He was now Super Dawg, the crime-fighting catfish! Super Dawg flew to Dr. Kaat's tower.
"Hello, Super Dawg," Dr. Kaat said, evilly, "I presume you came here to save Spork."
  "Nope. Just came by to give you your weekly lemon shipment. Your normal lemon delivery fish is busy today."
"What‽ He's never been busy! What's he doing?"
A sound came from behind Dr. Kaat which vaguely resembled the sound of a bathtub being drained. Then there was an explosion of rambutan juice, and a clown car came flying out from the blast in slow motion. The clown car proceeded to eat Dr. Kaat. Then one of the doors opened and out came Spork, followed by a fish with a tie that said Weeble-Wooble Lemon Delivery Service Inc.
"Saving Spork, ya smelly dog!"

The End

Dawge #67! How to Play Gerald! (94)

The semiannual Gerald tournament is coming up, and Neff the fish (primarily of Paul fame) makes minor rule changes every tournament based on what professional Gerald players have been asking for. These are the updated rules for this half-year:

The rules for Gerald are very simple. Gerald can be played by living beings and animate objects. It can only be played by 2 players, except, of course, on the days before and after the Windy 6423, when it can be played by up to 17,495. The game starts with rock-rock-rock-rock*. Whoever wins gets to go third.

For the first 🍋ty hours, both players build tiny rockets. Once that time is up, the players take a break and have a picnic (honey sandwiches are a popular choice of food for this part of the game). After the picnic, the players launch their rockets at the others in an attempt to destroy their own. The first player to successfully destroy all of their rockets and call out "¡Dü!" gets 6¼ points. If multiple players call out "¡Dü!"at the same time, those who didn't call out "¡Dü!" lose two 🍎ths of a point.

The players then having a diving contest against the Weeble-Wooble squirrel choir. The players get the floor of the 4.79th root of their score points until the judges give one of the players a score of less than 7.3. Then all points are counted up and whoever has the second lowest amount of points wins. If multiple players are tied for the second lowest score, they play another game of Gerald to decide the winner.

Rule changes made for this tournament:
- All Jack Flap strategies have been banned.
- No more popcorn business. Looking at you, Bert.
- The controversial Miss Shelly maneuver has been allowed again.
- Players are now allowed to eat pizza during the picnic.
- Rockets must be made out of a material that can be destroyed. Looking at you, Bert.
- Players are no longer allowed to distract their opponents with algebra problems at any point during the game. Looking at you, Bert.
- The Ully Defense has been banned.
- No rule breaking or bending of any kind will be tolerated. Looking at you, Bob.

*For those unfamiliar, rock beats rock, rock ties rock, rock beats rock, rock beats rock, rock ties rock, and rock beats rock.

Dawge #66! Half of the Power-Fluff Gerbils Turn Evil! (93)

Dr. Kaat and Dishonest Abe had finally finished their latest evil invention: the Lemon-Picklotron.

"As soon as we turn these olives," explained Dr. Kaat, "the Lemon-Picklotron will send out a pulse of mustard energy that will turn Super Dawg, Spprk, and any other superheroes that may be in Weeble-Wooble evil! Mwa ha ha ha ha!!"

Dr. Kaat and Dishonest Abe each turned 2¹∕₃ olives, and the Lemon-Picklotron activated. Unfortunately for Dr. Kaat and Dishonest Abe, Super Dawg and Spprk were just plain Dawge and Spork at the time, so the mustard energy pulse didn't detect any superheroes when it reached them.

But the Power-Fluff Gerbils are never their secret identity, mostly because they don't have one. So when the mustard energy pulse reached them, evil versions of themselves visited them in a dream. Unfortunately for Dr. Kaat and Dishonest Abe, the evil versions weren't as powerful as they had thought. This is what happened:



In Floofers' dream, Evil Floofers offered to trade the key Floofers was holding for some chocolate chip cookies. Floofers immediately accepted.

In Not-Betty's dream, she had an epic battle with Evil Not-Betty! Eventually, though, Not-Betty got trapped, and it looked like it was the end for her.

"You might as well just give me the key," said Evil Not-Betty, evilly, "the key to your mind."

Suddenly, Not-Betty got an idea! "You want a key? How about 104 of 'em?" Evil Not-Betty was crushed by a grand piano. Not-Betty had won the battle! She proceeded to dream about Lollipop Land.

Finally, in Betty's dream, she had an epic battle with Evil Betty! And like Not-Betty, she too was eventually trapped.

"You might as well just give me the key," said Evil Betty, evilly, "the key to your mind."

"What? What key?" asked Betty, confused.

"Wait, what? Where'd the key go? Where did you put it?" asked Evil Betty, furious.

"I don't know what you're talking about," replied Betty, "but I do have this thing." Betty held up a cucumber shaped like a cat. Knowing its power, Evil Betty quickly snatched it from Betty's tail. Turns out it gives the user control over half of Betty.

When the Power-Fluff Gerbils woke up in the morning, Floofers had been turned evil, Not-Betty was the same as when she had fallen asleep, and Betty was half-good, half-evil.

What will the Power-Fluff Gerbils do next?

Find out eventually!

Dawge #65! Wombat Fairies (92)

Dawge was walking in the park. It was a beautifully weird day. The birds were playing poker, the bees were screaming, and Bruce Willis was more deadly than ever! When Dawge went home to his enormous mansion, he noticed that his computer was gone! 

"AAH!" Dawge screamed like a little pineapple. 

He ran to his fireplace, chanted "Goat Sucks!" three and a half times, and a pillow landed on Dawge's head. He wrote something on it a really long time ago. It said, "You lost something again, didn't you? Either that, or you were taking your early morning goat hate. Anyway, just go into the forest to think." 

"Oh, okay." Dawge said. 

He went into the forest. But all of a sudden, in the middle of a beautiful clearing, he saw a glowing orb.

"Ooh!" Dawge called. "It's shiny! Oh, and it's the great and powerful orb of Goolak, keeper of a million dreams and wishes. Cool."

Dawge touched it, a sandwich appeared on the ground. And then another, and another, and another! The sandwiches spelled something out.

It said "Dawge, come on! We don't got all day! Follow the arrow made out of ducks!"

Dawge turned and saw a perfect duck arrow pointing to where some of the magical Weeble-Wooblian creatures lived; the elusive Wombat Fairies.

He followed the duck arrow until he saw one! A Wombat Fairy!

"Hiya!" The Wombat Fairy called in a cheerful, high-pitched voice. "Follow me to Queen Yyyya*, Queen of the Wombat Fairies!" She flew away.

Dawge followed her with caution, knowing that Wombat Fairies look small, but can be very dangerous.

Dawge followed her to a small banana. She stopped and looked at Dawge.

"So is this your castle? A small banana?" Dawge asked.

"No. It's behind the small banana." she explained.

Dawge looked and saw a giant banana.

Once they went inside, they saw Queen Yyyya sitting on a throne of rain, holding the great and powerful orb of Goolak, keeper of a million dreams and wishes.

"Dawge!" Queen Yyyya greeted Dawge, "I would love to talk, and I'm glad to see you in front of me, and not through a window where my troops spy on everyone in Weeble-Wooble and report back to me, but I'm busy."

"But-" Dawge started but was cut off when his hamster phone started ringing. He answered.

"Sir? Where are you? I left to clean your computer for one minute and you're already gone!" said the voice. It was his sock puppet butler.

"Oh. Sorry, Bab. I'll be right back," Dawge responded.

And Dawge went home. 

The End

*Yyyya is pronounced "EEEE-a"